Menopause and M&M's

What�s the similarity? None! I was just sitting here eating some M&M�s and began thinking about menopause. But wait� is there a similarity? Eating junk food and noticing some extra pounds around the middle. Is it all about hormones? What the hell...

British Noah's Ark

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a...

Oral Fixation

No H2Ogerl --- its not that kind of thread Freud would say that people who have a tendency to run their mouths, or even make a living running their mouths, [ politicians, salesmen, hookers, etc] have an oral fixation. I'm wondering if typing could be...

Girly wisdom

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care. 2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs. 3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves...

For The Ladies!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He...

Little Ralphy

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher...

Labour pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father,...

Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still...

Nine Words Women Use

[COLOR="DarkOrchid"]([SIZE="4"]1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have...

old is when

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT] "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS...

Bob and the Blonde

BOB & THE BLONDE Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large...

how about a litttle??

A guy walks into a bar and has his eye on a pretty girl. He finally can't control himself anymore and walks up and immediately asks,"How about a little pussy?":cool: She replys "I would love it, mine's as big as a hat!!."

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. 1. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he needs. 2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are...

two drunk liars

Two drunk liars are standing on a bridge over a river, both decide to take a leak. The first liar states " whoa, that water is cold." the second liar, not to be outdone says, " yea and it's deep too.":)

Little Melissa

Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove and attends third grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone...

Problem in the office

[SIZE="2"] Husband gets home, worried, and says to his wife: - I have a problem in the office. Wife: - Don�t say I HAVE A PROBLEM, say WE HAVE A PROBLEM because your problem is also mine. Husband: OK. We have a problem in the office. Our secretary is...

Ida and Peggy! Hehe!

Ida and Peggy are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Ida pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Peggy: What in the hell is that? Ida: A condom. This way my...

Old men think fast

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old...

Rednecks...

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied...

Old dogs...

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in...

The DEA agent and the rancher

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there' as he points out the location....

The checkup

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn`t been feeling well and wants to find out if he`s ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I`m afraid I have some bad news. You`re dying and you don`t...

These will make you smile

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this...